By  Mike Raines

This is a rant full of my opinion and my opinions only. So if you don't like it, go away.

This is the first of what is destine to be a long and famous feature(ha!) known as The Ultimo Wrestling Rant. I am the not so cheerful author, Mike Raines I have never worked for or ran any wrestling website on the face of the planet. I don't claim to have any "inside scoops" or any of that shit, I don't have a cool nickname like CRZ (well, yet anyway) and I don't care what other web guys say, I like the Big Shows entrance music. When Chris Daniels first asked me to write something for his new website, I thought "Oh great chris is gonna waste his time on a stupid site, no one will go to and he wants to bring me into this shit with him". Well I was wrong about everything, except maybe the fact that no one will really go here. But Chris is pretty talented and after not getting a job at CandyassCafe and other sites so, he said "Fuck those pricks, I'll run a site and show'em how it'll be done.....wheres my Muslexiz?". Oh yeah and did I mention he still hasn't picked a name for the site? Well atleast I know of while I'm writting this. I don't know if my role is just gonna be doin this on the site or what but I'll see what happens cause Chris doesn't know anyone online that can or wants to write for a wrestling site so I bet me and him are gonna be stuck with doing it all. Oh well atleast then it'll be easier to have meetings about the site.
Well enough of that lets get on to wrestling!

WCW
I'm startin with the boys from Atlanta first because they're second in everything else they do.  Eric Bischoff is the most annoying announcer on earth, fuck probably the universe(those aliens on mars have 3 bitchin feds going and one has Ultimo DRAG-on as the Mars Champion) I mean his jokes don't make any sense, his tough act is a real pisser, the way he laughs like hell when Nash or someother babyface does something to a heel makes me sick, and they way he tries to play with smarts is such a reason for someone to go Hyatte on him.  The real thing that pisses me off about WCW is how the bookers fuck it up constantly. Their storylines suck, but they can put on some good matches. Like Beniot/Saturn vs DDP/Bam Bam. I like 15 mintune matches but for god sakes don't have them between Van Hammer and Sliver King. The funniest thing about Nitro is that the first hour gets the highest rating yet, they have basically worthless shit then. I guess old ladies go to bed at 9 pm every monday night. And when Thunder beats Nitro the front office should just fire the all bookers, I mean not that anyone could tell the difference if their were bookers or not but still. I would go into the usual bit on how Hogan and the old guys are holding back the young talented guys but, thats been over done and still is a fact. This Young vs Old fued they are planning on havin looks promising. But why would two young guys Bagewell/ Disco Inferno fight EACHOTHER on the PPV if their so tired of being held back by the old guys? I don't know maybe I don't watch enough, 30 mintunes is all I can stand usually. And I hear Hogan wants to do the Young/Old angle so he can shoot on the young guys for not drawing any money. Gee I don't know maybe if that orange goblin won't hog the spotlight and highline every other ppv with basketball players, talk show hosts, and other worthless pieces of shit(Savage/Piper) then they could "draw money". And I wonder who Hogan thinks the fans go their to see. I mean it can't be him, he always off filmin a movie or "injuried".  I don't know whats worse the bookers at WCW or the fans who actually like their shit.

WWF
The World Wide Leader in Sports Entertainment, yeah because all the other compaines are WRESTLING compaines. Its easy to the leader in something you have no compention in. As a matter of fact I am the world wide leader in Ultimo Wrestling Rants. Ok anyway the WWF's main storylines are the whole Undertaker/Ministry and Austin Vs the World bit. Ok I hate the fuckin Corparate Ministry, espically Shane McMahon. But HHH is having his moments. I can tolerate the Austin shit in moderation. But since the two storys are seeming merging with the Undertaker as Champ and Vinnie Mac's revealed higher power status, as Jeff Jarrett say "That pisses me off". Nothin good has EVER come of the entire Ministry of Darkness storyline. And Vince McMahon as the Higher Power was the only choice, but like the others it really didn't make sense. Since Vince was the Higher Power, the entire string of events since after Wrestlemania have been for nothing. Thats right all those months of RAWs, Heats, and PPV were a waste because hes the higher power and it was joke. Sadly thats what the WWF kinda is now. If it wasn't for the guys in the mid-card like The Brood, Shamrock, D-lo, and others I won't watch the WWF at all. I don't order the PPVs because I don't want to waste thirty bucks on something that may mean nothing in a month. Not that it would matter, the bookers usually forget what they did last month anyway. And I haven't even scratch the surface on the lawsuits agasint the Titan Tower Team. First one I'll address is the one from Sable or Rena Mero. I can sum it up all like this "Shes a stuck up bitch who doesn;t deserve a dime" And she should thank her stars for her breast implants, she can sell'em on eBay after she falls into the gutter like that other fomer WWF chick, whats her name Smirky or something. Next is the Harts lawsuit. Yeah the Harts would of suied if Owen worked for a construction company, its just what people do when a family member dies, they sue whoever they think is to blame in a vein attempt to bring back their loved one. Thats all I'll comment about that because all the other asshole web guy who are cryin over this, need to get their own life and stop caring about the Harts and what they do. If Owen Hart was Owen Harvey, a janitor and that fell from the ceiling, no one would give a damn. You can't even begin to feel for the Hart family you never knew Owen, you're just sad for his death because you'll never see him wrestle again you selfous bastard. So shut up and let the Harts deal with their pain.

ECW
Haven't seen it since Wrestlepalooza 98. And probably won't watch it again till it gets to The Nashville Network, which I didn't know I had on my cable system till today.

International
I don't know I haven't gotten any tapes recently. As far as I know from my Japan tapes is that the Big Dome show is in a month. As for Mexico, all I know that its hot there and you shouldn't drink the water. I saw a match from some fed in Puerto Rico, it was ok. Lots of blood from both guys and then the Bushwackers came out and just destroyed everyone in the ring including the ref and ring announcer type guy.

Conclusions of the soul
I don't know but for some reason hearing Master P will wrestle kinda gets on my good side. I don't know why, hes a terrible rapper and his albumns make me sick, but I have a feeling he'll be able out wrestle Konnan. And I'd like to see that. Plus, I know hes gonna have words with Scott Steiner and the Raza Twins (Kdawg and Rey jr) on how they rip off his lyrics and I know gangsta slaps will be envolved. And if Rodman can wrestle a match drunk and sue them, then they go and RESIGN him.... why can't they sign me? I mean shit I'd get drunk, go wrestle the match, then go molest a nitro girl for a couple of grand, then suethem for no having enough peanuts in my dressing room. Hmm molest a nitro girl, I bet thats a way to get back to number 1. Why I am talkin about WCW here still? Why can't me or Chris get a job at some decent site like Scoops, Wrestlemaniacs, or something? Hell chris can't even get a job at fuckin CandyAssCafe! I bet if i asked Al Isacc real nice I could write a Written Word Column, no matter if all I do is talk about Buffy The Vampire Slayer in it. Whats his email address anyway? I could sell those Break the Barrier tapes by the truck load damn it! Oh I don't really have anything else to say except

Thanks for reading

-Mike Raines